Okay gentlemen, I’m going to say it bluntly. It’s about the length and girth of your penis. This is a sensitive issue, and it deserves brutal honesty, so I’m just going to say it in stark block capitals:

GIRLS DON’T ACTUALLY CARE.

Now don’t stop reading just yet, because you may find this difficult to believe, partly due to the fact that many of us – myself especially – will regularly mock you for your perceived shortcomings. This is not, however, because your penis is small and ugly. If it was large, it would just be large and ugly. Whatever quirk of evolution decided that a man’s reproductive organs would swing merrily outside his body was undoubtedly doing it for little more than comedic effect. It’s nature’s punchline that something that looks so ridiculous plays such a vital part in human procreation.

After their initial hysterics over your proud little erection, most women will grudgingly concede that your tongue or fingers, rather than your todger, is more effective in the pursuit of the elusive female orgasm. And that often, removing you altogether is more effective still. Penis size rarely matters a jot to women when it comes to actual enjoyment. Regardless of whether the organ is large or small, the sexual technique of the majority of men is equally inept. So why do women still put so much emphasis on comparing the large, the small, and the oddly shaped? I will tell you why, again in the block capitals:

BOYS DO ACTUALLY CARE.

Oh yes. Since the dawn of time, man has crawled from his cave, compared his fleshy knobstick with that of his neighbour, and made its measurements the object of competition, neurosis and perceived sexual prowess. In Ancient Rome, gents would aspire to have small, compact cocks, as fashion decreed that big ones were unwieldy and would just get in the way during particularly rough battles and toga parties. The Egyptian god Bes was sometimes depicted as a dwarf with a dong as grotesque and swollen as a deformed limb, correlating its enormous size with increased fertility.

Yet history’s women just sat and shrugged, giggling at how much it seemed to matter to their males. They watched as their husbands evolved through the centuries, wearing codpieces, building skyscrapers, driving Humvees, and eventually fetishising their own male insecurities by creating elaborate fantasies about cuckolding size-queens who prefer enormous, superior man-gods and thus force the mere beta-males to cower eternally in the shadow of someone else’s collossal erection.

We know that penis size is of the utmost importance to some gents, so we use it accordingly to manipulate them. And thus a thriving, lucrative, and highly entertaining industry was born, all based around (or utilising) Small Penis Humiliation. Spam emails no longer merely advertise penis enlargement drugs or pumps – they throw your entire masculinity into question and casually dissect your sexual performance with generic one-liners. I’ve been collecting a few of the best and most disturbing, and will post them at some point soon. In the meantime, nurture your insecurities by looking at a small statue of Bes. Attractive, isn’t he?