If you’re not a fan of CBT (cock and ball torture) or politics, look away now. You see, last week, in a sadistic, symbolic nod to the current global financial crisis, I told a chap to tie a shoe to his testicles by its laces. It was quite simple really. The shoe represented the corrupt banking system, and his balls represented – well – everything and everyone else.

From his change jar, I instructed this willing gentleman to count out £1 in 5p pieces and put them into the shoe. It weighed his struggling balls down a little, but we knew he could do better. This time, he counted out £1 in 2p pieces and added them to the shoe. Next, just to tease, I got him to put in another £1 in 2p pieces as he seemed to have rather a lot of them. I called that part “quantitative easing”. At last, the balls were ready for the 1p pieces. A hundred of them. Added to the mountain of metal money already weighing down his strangled sack.

After a while, he couldn’t stand up. I told him that he must remain standing for long enough to write “George Osborne is a bell end”. Only then could he sit. To my surprise, I noticed that by this point, his shaved, shiny bollocks were stretched and squeezed to the extent that they resembled David Cameron’s face. It was uncanny. I gave further instructions and, with a permanent marker, he drew this: (click for NSFW photo).