Tag Archives: bdsm

Thinking About BDSM

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There are a lot of journalistic misconceptions spaffing their way round the press and social media in the week that the “50 Shades” film is being released. It’s always nice to find something that is the exact opposite of those articles. Here’s a snippet from Thinking About BDSM, by Alison Bancroft:

“…We live in a world where kink is criminalized, and sexual autonomy is circumscribed by law and pathologised by medical orthodoxy. People who practice BDSM can and do lose their jobs, their homes, and even their children, because of their sexual preferences, in a way that previously was reserved for gay men, and unmarried mothers. Under the circumstances, it’s hard to see why anyone would choose it as a lifestyle.

Except, they don’t choose it. Sexuality – what gets you off, and who and how you fuck, or not – is not a choice. It’s not just an activity, something you do. It’s something you are. Sexuality is neither genetic, nor a conscious decision. We know from psychoanalysis that sexual desire is instead a developmental process that takes place from the minute you are born, that never stops, and that occurs in the deepest, darkest and most inaccessible recesses of your mind. It is created through the encounters we all have as individuals with the world around us, with our parents initially, and later with broader social injunctions, and these encounters then mould our unconscious in ways that no-one as yet fully understands, and shapes, amongst other things, our erotic desires…”

Read the full post here.

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When a “yes” is not enough

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Many people outside BDSM look at us and see the outfits and accessories; they think of whips, chains, constraints, pain, role-play and a thousand other peripheral parts to our orientation. What they often miss is consent. Consent is central to BDSM. Sex without consent is rape. BDSM without consent is abuse. Consent is key.

Consent isn’t just a grudging “yes” or the absence of a “no”, but an ongoing, enthusiastic dialogue about what’s wanted and what isn’t. This shouldn’t only apply in the context of BDSM and sexuality, but in employment, parenting, friendship and every other situation with a power dynamic. Recognising another human’s autonomy is the first step to Not Being A Total Dick.

Being in the BDSM world has taught me more about consent and respect than any sex education programme, magazine or conventional discussion on the subject. Below is part of an article at PSMag that talks about “The Foggy Edge of Consent” (and by “foggy edge”, its author, Jillian Keenan, doesn’t mean it in a Robin Thicke sort-of-a way – quite the opposite):

“…We hide from the details of our desires, or bury them in psychoanalysis and shame. To truly end our cultures of rape and abuse, both within the BDSM and mainstream sex communities, we can’t reduce sexual consent to a catchphrase. We have to talk about sexuality, and all of its tricky details, without evasion, self-preservation, or censorship.

We think we’re having a national conversation about sexual consent. But as long as we continue to pretend that consent is binary—a light switch that goes on or off—those conversations won’t go far. Consent is a fluid target that can be given, rescinded, re-evaluated, or even seduced. We all know that, but we’re terrified to talk about it. Safe kinky sex is exactly the same as safe vanilla sex: we won’t have it if we never learn how. We should be talking—really talking—about that foggy edge of sexual consent…”

Read the full article here.

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Gimp Man of Essex

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The Gimp Man of Essex first hit the news in September, when various news sources ran articles about the mysterious, masked figure who wanders the streets of Colchester. For every photo of him uploaded to his Facebook page, he donates £1 to MIND.

There have been many misconceptions about BDSM and mental health in the past, long since debunked, yet many people still believe that fetishists, sadomasochists and any other consenting (and consent-promoting) adults not conforming to socio-sexual norms must be ill. The Gimp Man of Essex doesn’t go out in costume during weekends or school holidays. He doesn’t approach people who seem uncomfortable or who don’t show an interest in speaking to him. A small number have accused him of being a “nutter”, “pervert” or “paedophile” nonetheless. The majority are supportive though.

He told the BBC: “Most people are very welcoming when I tell them what it’s all about.”

Pleased to speak to the public and answer their questions, the anonymous latex superhero challenges stigmas around kink and raises a significant amount of money for charity in the process. Click here to read an exclusive new interview with him at Honour and here to donate to MIND.

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