Tag Archives: consent

When a “yes” is not enough

Many people outside BDSM look at us and see the outfits and accessories; they think of whips, chains, constraints, pain, role-play and a thousand other peripheral parts to our orientation. What they often miss is consent. Consent is central to BDSM. Sex without consent is rape. BDSM without consent is abuse. Consent is key.

Consent isn’t just a grudging “yes” or the absence of a “no”, but an ongoing, enthusiastic dialogue about what’s wanted and what isn’t. This shouldn’t only apply in the context of BDSM and sexuality, but in employment, parenting, friendship and every other situation with a power dynamic. Recognising another human’s autonomy is the first step to Not Being A Total Dick.

Being in the BDSM world has taught me more about consent and respect than any sex education programme, magazine or conventional discussion on the subject. Below is part of an article at PSMag that talks about “The Foggy Edge of Consent” (and by “foggy edge”, its author, Jillian Keenan, doesn’t mean it in a Robin Thicke sort-of-a way – quite the opposite):

“…We hide from the details of our desires, or bury them in psychoanalysis and shame. To truly end our cultures of rape and abuse, both within the BDSM and mainstream sex communities, we can’t reduce sexual consent to a catchphrase. We have to talk about sexuality, and all of its tricky details, without evasion, self-preservation, or censorship.

We think we’re having a national conversation about sexual consent. But as long as we continue to pretend that consent is binary—a light switch that goes on or off—those conversations won’t go far. Consent is a fluid target that can be given, rescinded, re-evaluated, or even seduced. We all know that, but we’re terrified to talk about it. Safe kinky sex is exactly the same as safe vanilla sex: we won’t have it if we never learn how. We should be talking—really talking—about that foggy edge of sexual consent…”

Read the full article here.

Blurred Lines

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I’ve been meaning to address this for ages, but it deserves more time and energy than I’ve had recently. The media has focused on porn’s relationship with rape for several months now, and grandstanding politicians have taken turns to spurt unresearched rhetoric about how access to any porn turns ordinary boys into sexual predators and girls into wanton sluts. Anti-porn feminists have long claimed that all porn is rape, and the current debate about “rape porn” has escalated into David Cameron proposing a block on all internet porn.

There are a whole load of reasons why an opt-out filter is potentially disastrous, not just for open discussion about sexuality and consent, but also for freedom of speech and access to information on the internet in a wider context. For instance, in 2011 the City of London police classified Occupy and UK Uncut activists as “terrorists”, just as the FBI have. Potentially, by this logic, websites that authorities consider to be politically dissenting voices could simply be blocked by default. Filters are far from discerning either. Many have highlighted the dangers of non-porn LGBTQ and sex education sites being blocked en-masse, further limiting young people’s access to sensible, responsible information about the issues that they often (wrongly) look to porn to provide answers to in the first place.

As for what is termed “rape porn”, we aren’t talking about actual filmed rape, or anything that purports to be so. This is already illegal, just as it should be. What the proposed ban refers to is simulated “rape” – consensual non-consent play, something previously discussed by the excellent Emily Rose. By law, pornographers already have to jump through hoops to prove that participants are fully consenting adults. When people speak of “rape porn”, they are not talking about actual rape. They are talking about filmed BDSM scenes that, despite depicting seemingly forceful sex, are explicitly consensual.

Of course, the porn industry still has a long way to go. Practices should be as ethical as possible, but ironically it’s BDSM pornographers that are at the forefront of promoting enthusiastic consent, despite their work also being most demonised by anti-porn campaigners. I will post more on this subject soon, as it’s an ongoing story which is due to progress significantly in the near future with respect to proposed laws and possible challenges to them (also it’s currently 2:35am and I should probably go to bed now).

In the meantime, donate to Backlash if you can. Their work on the above is more important right now than you might imagine.

Consent

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Here’s part of an encouraging article by Sarah Estrella for Examiner.com:

‘Where does consent begin and end in the eyes of the law when it comes to rough sex involving dominance and submission play?

Should adults engaging in consensual sexual behavior be subject to criminal laws including assault and battery? What local, state, or federal laws could be used against you for engaging in consensual BDSM activity? What does consent mean, who can give it, and what are its limits? How do we distinguish between consensual BDSM and domestic violence or abuse when such matters come before our law enforcement officials and enter into the court system? What are the boundaries of consent and sexual freedom?

This week on Tuesday October 19 the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom brings its Consent Counts project to San Francisco for a presentation on BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism) and the law featuring presentations by NCSF’s Judy Guerin and Richard Cunningham, Esq. The discussion on decriminalizing BDSM will be held at 7pm at the Law Offices of Alex Austin & Shannan Rapoport, 799 Castro Street. Please RSVP to Judy Guerin at judy@ncsfreedom.org or 202-494-9555.

Through the Consent Counts project, the NCSF aims to decriminalize consensual BDSM behavior by creating “legal language that clarifies consensual BDSM is not the intent or purpose of laws such as battery if the behavior is between consenting adults.”

Via NCSF.wordpress.com:

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is a national organization committed to creating a political, legal, and social environment in the United States that advances equal rights of consenting adults who practice forms of alternative sexual expression. NCSF is primarily focused on the rights of consenting adults in the SM-leather-fetish, swing, and polyamory communities, who often face discrimination because of their sexual expression.

The Consent Counts project began in 2007 at the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force’s Creating Change conference, and was announced as a major project of the NCSF in August 2009…’

Full article here.