Many people outside BDSM look at us and see the outfits and accessories; they think of whips, chains, constraints, pain, role-play and a thousand other peripheral parts to our orientation. What they often miss is consent. Consent is central to BDSM. Sex without consent is rape. BDSM without consent is abuse. Consent is key.

Consent isn’t just a grudging “yes” or the absence of a “no”, but an ongoing, enthusiastic dialogue about what’s wanted and what isn’t. This shouldn’t only apply in the context of BDSM and sexuality, but in employment, parenting, friendship and every other situation with a power dynamic. Recognising another human’s autonomy is the first step to Not Being A Total Dick.

Being in the BDSM world has taught me more about consent and respect than any sex education programme, magazine or conventional discussion on the subject. Below is part of an article at PSMag that talks about “The Foggy Edge of Consent” (and by “foggy edge”, its author, Jillian Keenan, doesn’t mean it in a Robin Thicke sort-of-a way – quite the opposite):

“…We hide from the details of our desires, or bury them in psychoanalysis and shame. To truly end our cultures of rape and abuse, both within the BDSM and mainstream sex communities, we can’t reduce sexual consent to a catchphrase. We have to talk about sexuality, and all of its tricky details, without evasion, self-preservation, or censorship.

We think we’re having a national conversation about sexual consent. But as long as we continue to pretend that consent is binary—a light switch that goes on or off—those conversations won’t go far. Consent is a fluid target that can be given, rescinded, re-evaluated, or even seduced. We all know that, but we’re terrified to talk about it. Safe kinky sex is exactly the same as safe vanilla sex: we won’t have it if we never learn how. We should be talking—really talking—about that foggy edge of sexual consent…”

Read the full article here.