Feedback Loop: Anticipation

Really lovely email I received a couple of days ago from a sub, all about anticipation:

“I’m afraid this is likely to be another one of my long emails. I’m not sure if you will have time – or the will – to read it, but here goes.

I’ve written a couple of long emails in the past few months to thank you and to try to explain how I felt after seeing you but I’ve been thinking about not just the experience but more about the anticipation of seeing you again.

For me, there are some very different stages involved in the experience of seeing you. But, I’m beginning to realise how important the feeling of ‘anticipation’ is to all of them.

This week will be my sixth appointment with you. I’ve come to realise that I view making arrangements with you in a completely different way to any other: it’s more ‘that you have allowed me to visit’. Which is why I always start emails to you with ‘Appointment Hopeful’. It’s also probably why I say ‘thank you’ so much.

I vividly remember how nervous I first was emailing in response to a tweet from you. I was shaking, quite literally. I found it hard to spell, think, breathe, generally function. It’s no different now. The anticipation of waiting, hoping for a reply to an ‘Appointment Hopeful’ email. I find it hard to concentrate on anything else. Clearly, it’s not anywhere near the feelings of actually seeing you, but getting a reply is close to overwhelming… Leaping tall buildings, that sort of feeling.

That’s when the anticipation really kicks in.

Here is another aspect to my nervousness when talking with you. I get very concerned that you might get an impression that I’m trying to get some sort of hidden meaning across. I’m not. To me, that would be clumsy to the point of stupid and, frankly disrespectful.

I have to admit, it has been tricky to know what to say to you or how to say it. I know I come across as a bumbling novice. I do look at the web from time to time in the hope I’ll stumble across a guide to how to behave – whether I should adopt the language of a ‘sub’, but I’ve realised that all I can be is me, work it out for myself and just be respectful and honest. When I think of you it’s of someone who is incredibly smart, well read, with fiercely held views on politics, society & the world, who enjoys good comedy, is unfailingly honest and is stunningly attractive. To me, those qualities demand both respect and honesty.

I hope that doesn’t come across as gushing.

I am not good at trusting people generally, but I trust you completely. Whether it’s you as a person or the intimate nature of the appointment is something I’ve pondered. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a bit of both, but it’s also down to the act of yielding all control over to you for that hour. I knew (well, certainly hoped) it would be enjoyable, I hadn’t realised just how much it would build trust. It is an experience like no other.

So, over the last few weeks since contacting you…the prospect of what is to come just builds the anticipation, more bliss. The welcome, just to look into your eyes. Sometimes I wonder whether you would allow me to keep my eyes open, whether you ever do an eye induction. But, I know that when my eyes are closed I will have no idea what you plan to do, whether it will be pleasure or pain, and what form that might take. Once again, the anticipation is extraordinary. Just incredible.

I’ve written before about the experience, so I won’t take up your time with that again. Just to say, I know that for that hour I could not be more happy, more alive or more trusting. Your words, the induction, seep through me. As your hypnosis deepens I can feel my senses and emotions heightening to the point of overload. Whether it’s my imagination, or as a result of experiencing it more than once, but I genuinely feel each trance has been deeper than the one before. I certainly struggled to open my eyes at my last visit. Even that felt quite wonderful.

Again, the anticipation of that is extraordinary.

Then, when the hour is up, I’ll make my way back to the station, relishing the pain, reliving the sensations in my head. And starting to anticipate getting the courage to email you once more…”

Feedback Loop: Compliment

A gentleman said some lovely things about me last week. He did this because I told him to. That probably still counts as a compliment on some level:

“One of my pet frustrations is those that can only see life in black and white and not understand that all the interesting bits are in the margins, in the blurred, shadowy world between the two. This applies to everything from debates on the current economic malaise through to the intention or not of a footballer’s alleged crime. It is the context and sub-plots that provide the interest, and stimulate. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the world of sexual stimulation and attraction.

The truly sexy people, those that tug deepest into our passions, have an ambiguity and throw out questions that will never be answered. And if they are they will just be replaced by more.

One such person of this ilk who¬†has entered my radar is ms slide. Read the brochure and you expect a humourless dominatrix when in fact her sweet smile lights up the room. Her keen and sharp intellect stings the brain, that most powerful sexual organ, into life. Is she a truly as political as she seems when she plays with bankers? She has a very sassy, sexy look and great body but will she let you play with it? At what stage does the whip come down and is her control exerted? These and so many more questions hang delightfully, and very sexily, in the air. All that can be truly said is that she is a very stunning woman to look at, has great intelligence and relishes providing¬†the punishment so many love to receive. Of the rest I don’t know, but to explore is fascinating.”

(Shut up! A compliment still counts when it’s coerced, doesn’t it? Really? Oh.)

Feedback Loop: Hypnosis Session

Occasionally, the way I indulge my urges – mainly rambling diatribes here, or acts of violence in sessions and fetish clubs – provoke interesting responses by email. With permission, I will post some of the best on the blog.

Here’s a lovely message I received from a gent called Jeff, in the aftermath of a session where I put him into a deep hypnotic trance:

“Well, I’ve had time to marinade in the wonderful fog you very kindly left me in.

First may i say, wow! Amazing! I could add numerous other superlatives, but i’d be in danger of appearing to be a creep.

Seriously, thank you so much for such a wonderful experience, which exceeded my expectations by some distance. I was very nervous when i arrived, but somehow when i met you a lot of the nerves subsided. This will be no surprise to you i’m sure, but you have amazing presence. Please forgive me, but my initial thoughts when i saw you were, “This unbelievably beautiful woman is going to hypnotise me” Felt like all of my Christmases at once.

The level of trance you took me too was such a thrill, i finally felt what it’s like to go as deep as i have desired for so long, thank you.”