Really lovely email I received a couple of days ago from a sub, all about anticipation:
“I’m afraid this is likely to be another one of my long emails. I’m not sure if you will have time – or the will – to read it, but here goes.
I’ve written a couple of long emails in the past few months to thank you and to try to explain how I felt after seeing you but I’ve been thinking about not just the experience but more about the anticipation of seeing you again.
For me, there are some very different stages involved in the experience of seeing you. But, I’m beginning to realise how important the feeling of ‘anticipation’ is to all of them.
This week will be my sixth appointment with you. I’ve come to realise that I view making arrangements with you in a completely different way to any other: it’s more ‘that you have allowed me to visit’. Which is why I always start emails to you with ‘Appointment Hopeful’. It’s also probably why I say ‘thank you’ so much.
I vividly remember how nervous I first was emailing in response to a tweet from you. I was shaking, quite literally. I found it hard to spell, think, breathe, generally function. It’s no different now. The anticipation of waiting, hoping for a reply to an ‘Appointment Hopeful’ email. I find it hard to concentrate on anything else. Clearly, it’s not anywhere near the feelings of actually seeing you, but getting a reply is close to overwhelming… Leaping tall buildings, that sort of feeling.
That’s when the anticipation really kicks in.
Here is another aspect to my nervousness when talking with you. I get very concerned that you might get an impression that I’m trying to get some sort of hidden meaning across. I’m not. To me, that would be clumsy to the point of stupid and, frankly disrespectful.
I have to admit, it has been tricky to know what to say to you or how to say it. I know I come across as a bumbling novice. I do look at the web from time to time in the hope I’ll stumble across a guide to how to behave – whether I should adopt the language of a ‘sub’, but I’ve realised that all I can be is me, work it out for myself and just be respectful and honest. When I think of you it’s of someone who is incredibly smart, well read, with fiercely held views on politics, society & the world, who enjoys good comedy, is unfailingly honest and is stunningly attractive. To me, those qualities demand both respect and honesty.
I hope that doesn’t come across as gushing.
I am not good at trusting people generally, but I trust you completely. Whether it’s you as a person or the intimate nature of the appointment is something I’ve pondered. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a bit of both, but it’s also down to the act of yielding all control over to you for that hour. I knew (well, certainly hoped) it would be enjoyable, I hadn’t realised just how much it would build trust. It is an experience like no other.
So, over the last few weeks since contacting you…the prospect of what is to come just builds the anticipation, more bliss. The welcome, just to look into your eyes. Sometimes I wonder whether you would allow me to keep my eyes open, whether you ever do an eye induction. But, I know that when my eyes are closed I will have no idea what you plan to do, whether it will be pleasure or pain, and what form that might take. Once again, the anticipation is extraordinary. Just incredible.
I’ve written before about the experience, so I won’t take up your time with that again. Just to say, I know that for that hour I could not be more happy, more alive or more trusting. Your words, the induction, seep through me. As your hypnosis deepens I can feel my senses and emotions heightening to the point of overload. Whether it’s my imagination, or as a result of experiencing it more than once, but I genuinely feel each trance has been deeper than the one before. I certainly struggled to open my eyes at my last visit. Even that felt quite wonderful.
Again, the anticipation of that is extraordinary.
Then, when the hour is up, I’ll make my way back to the station, relishing the pain, reliving the sensations in my head. And starting to anticipate getting the courage to email you once more…”