An excellent list of crap punter stereotypes, courtesy of Lady Anna and PDUK:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce you to a line up of timewasters in their many and varied guises. Some are more obvious than others and some are more devious. Whatever their MO the result is the same: wasted time, wasted effort and varying degrees of damage to a PD’s confidence, motivation and livelihood (and will to live).

Mr Chat doesn’t want to make a booking. He has no intention of ever making a booking but he’ll call to have a chat about the session that you will do with him. He will also assure you that is completely genuine. He will carefully guide the conversation to what he could expect and how you will discipline him. Watch out for heavy breathing and sudden hang ups as he disappears in a puff of spunk (copyrighted to Ms Slide).

Mr No Show makes a booking so that he can discuss with you all of his concerns and worries. He needs you to allay his fears and he likes to talk about how enjoyable sessions are. When he makes the booking he is strangely available on any day, at any time you suggest with no hesitation or time to consult either his memory or his diary. Along with Mr Chat he is very, very genuine. He tells you this at least three times. You have a feeling he won’t confirm and sure enough, he doesn’t.

Mr Confirms will book and, as requested and expected, he will also confirm on the day of the session. He then conducts his usual business knowing that the Mistress will be preparing herself for him. He watches the clock with baited breath and tented trouser as the time draws ever nearer. Look at him, he’s Da Man. He has a Mistress all dressed up and waiting for him. False bookings are often made in his lunch break so he can spend some extra time in the loos.

Mr Cancel is a bit further up the evolutionary scale than Mr Chat, Mr No Show and Mr Confirms. Mr Cancel makes a considered booking in advance. He may then need to call to change the time of the day. With each call he chats a little more. He’s really looking forward to the session, are you? Unfortunately, something very, very important crops up at work and so he has to cancel. He’s terribly sorry. He calls again a few weeks later and re-books. Unfortunately though, he has to cancel again. After several months you realise he has done nothing but book and cancel, book and cancel.

Mr Promise usually contacts you through message boards. He’d love to come and see you but he’s a bit busy at the moment. He contacts you again every few weeks to update you on his busy schedule and the problems he is having with his bank. As soon as it is sorted he will make a booking. Every so friendly and don’t forget, genuine, he updates you whether you are bothered or not on how much closer he is to making a booking. He never does.

Mr Excuse is Mr Cancels’ cousin. Mr Excuse makes a booking but has to cancel due to so many things going wrong. These things happen don’t they? The MOT on the car was more expensive than they thought so they need to cancel. They have been called in for extra, much needed overtime so they have to cancel. But it is okay because he has let you know in plenty of time so he knows he can rebook at any time…as long as he cancels…even if it is the same day.

Mr One Session has given all of this timewasting a great deal of thought. Mr One Session makes a booking and he does turn up. He will ‘let slip’ how often he likes to session and how much disposable income he has. He has proved he isn’t a timewaster but a very promising regular, so when he books again you accept it with no qualms. Unfortunately he has to cancel a couple of days before. He’s terribly sorry. No problem, these things happen, thanks for letting me know. He soon calls again to rebook. Unfortunately he has to cancel again. Thanks for letting me know. A couple of weeks later he rebooks. The excuses are sounding less and less genuine but he sounds so sincere and he did come before you continue to give him the benefit of the doubt. He rebooks. He cancels. You then find out he is playing the same game with a number of PDs in the same area. He’s well known, has several numbers and a few names. Fortunately for you he can’t remember which name he uses with which PD.

Mr Disappears books, confirms, and calls, as arranged, a few minutes before the session starts for final directions. He sounds nervous. He calls to say he has managed to get lost between point A and point B a mere 800 metres distance. You give directions again. No sign. You call. His phone is turned off. You wait, in vain, knowing that the sub eating monster has struck yet again.

Mr Freebie Hunter , otherwise known as Mr Friend may or may not actually book and turn up for a session. He’d rather not though as he is special and different to other subs. If he does he’ll only do it the once to prove he is genuine. Mr Freebie Hunter wants to be friends. He’ll offer to escort you to clubs and parties. He’ll even offer to do chores for you. All for free of course. Because he is special.

Mr Novelty is so off the wall that you can’t help but give him the time of day. He likes what? He is into what? Really? How does that work then? He becomes such a regular and amusing timewaster that you give him a nickname, and should you re-list on Serious Mistresses and he doesn’t call you actually become quite worried about him.

Mr Couple is a rare breed of timewaster. You can’t call yourself a twue PD until you have had a query from a man asking if you see couples. He’d have you talking all about how the session would work if you don’t refuse to discuss the possibilities any further until his wife calls you herself. She never does.

Mr Wonga is an odd one. He has stacks of cash and is usually accompanied by a (fake or genuine?) plummy accent. He has specially selected YOU but would you possibly be interested in his particular kink (even though you don’t list it, or specifically say you aren’t interested). Of course he will pay handsomely, at least three times your usual rate. He draws you in with his cash waving, extreme politeness and genial bonhomie. You don’t have the specific kit or clothing? No worries, Mr Wonga will purchase them for you. Despite his educated politeness he cannot take a firm ‘No’ as an acceptable answer. He regales you further with tales of shopping trips with his previous, but now retired (and unknown) Mistress. Eventually you manage to politely disengage and he reluctantly ends the conversation with a heavy sigh. Exactly 30 minutes later Mr Wonga calls back with an increased offer and further anecdotes about how often he would purchase special items for his last Mistress. The only way to get rid of Mr Wonga is to give in and agree to see him, and sure enough, you never hear from him again.

Mr Special is far too busy, far too important to waste his valuable time carefully reading your website. Oh no, he’d far rather grab your telephone number and call you and waste your time by asking questions that are already answered on your site, things like your location, your fee, your interests… Mr Special deserves answers! Or he’ll ask for an appointment on the day you don’t work? He also doesn’t see why he should follow the same procedures as everyone else. What do you mean you don’t do same day appointments!? He is special! Fill out a questionnaire!!? But he is GENUINE.

Mr Macdonalds thinks all PDs are the same. The only thing that is different is our location. He usually asks for ‘the Mistress’ and if pressed has absolutely no idea which Mistress he is calling. His scribbled list of telephone numbers don’t help him out so he stutters and coughs as desperately tries to remember a name, any name. Mr Macdonalds is rather bewildered and confused that you don’t immediately and gratefully agree to see him.

Mr Disaster is plagued with near death experiences on motorways and a never-ending steam of hospital bound relatives. Even his cat is accident prone. You daren’t, and wouldn’t, say anything other than ‘I’m terribly sorry, I understand, don’t worry about it’. It means as well that you will probably accept another booking, after all, he can’t possibly have that many grandmothers or car crashes can he? Unfortunately…he does.

Mr Confused . “How much love?” Enough said.

Any resemblance to subs living or dead is purely coincidental”