Last night, I met a cat called Hugo. He was licking his own balls.
“I wish I could do that,” said my fellow observer.
“You’d never leave the house,” I answered, that being the required response whenever somebody makes this wish.
“That’s probably why humans have such inflexible bodies.”
“Yeah. It’s evolution’s version of those lampshade collars that pets have to wear when they come back from the vet.”
This conversation then developed into a debate about whether giving yourself a blow job would mean you were at least a little bit gay. I texted this conundrum to a friend, who answered with “biting your own fingernails doesn’t make you a cannibal”. Moments later, he sent another message: “Actually wait – depends if you swallow.”
We then discussed the idea that, if you had sex with a cloned version of yourself, would that mean you were at least bisexual, or just having a complicated wank? There’s a rumour about a successful Hollywood actor who is secretly dating his stunt double, which either means that he’s a narcissist, or is simply making a valiant effort to disprove the theory that opposites attract.
Meeting your doppelganger is traditionally thought to be a bad omen. Yet does this still apply if you’re surfing the internet for smut and come across someone who looks exactly like yourself? I’m pretty sure that everyone has a pornalike out there somewhere. Several of my friends have found theirs. I discovered mine on the cover of a lesbian bdsm DVD, and – more startlingly – she shared the same first name as me, and had better tits.
There are intentional pornalikes and completely incidental ones. The marvellous Rob Manuel of B3TA created the Pornalike Quiz which demonstrates just this, and the Porn Spot has a section devoted entirely to accidental celebrity pornalikes. Sarah Palin has been deliberately pornaliked several times so far (easily done – fit any attractive brunette with glasses, a rifle, and some disturbingly wrong opinions about dinosaurs), and Tyra Banks actually confronted her own pornalike on television.
Anyway, to cut a long story thankfully short, the model in today’s free fetish hardcore from Chanta’s Bitches isn’t actually Spooks star Miranda Raison, but you’d be forgiven for doing a double take all the same.