Here’s a small snippet from a much bigger, much better post by Emily Rose, a femsub and rape survivor, brilliantly addressing the debate about violent porn and the gulf between fantasy and reality (trigger warning):

“…I don’t believe we should censor our fantasies. We simply cannot. Ever since I can remember masturbating, before I even knew what masturbating was, I have fantasised about kink. And, being forced by a stranger in a dark alley (actually, it was usually the local park) was a common fantasy. When I came across the kink scene later in my adult life (the internet wasn’t around in my formative years) I was relieved to find out that I wasn’t the only one, that I wasn’t a strange fucked up deviant, but ‘normal’ (at least by the standards of kink. I recognise that if you’re anti-kink, you’ll still think I’m a fucked up deviant). There is a very common myth, which is part of the rape culture which permeates our society, that women do want to be raped. And, it is a common female fantasy (see this Wikipedia entry http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_fantasy). But, rape is not the same as the fantasy.

When I was raped, I felt that I no longer had agency to enjoy those fantasies anymore. It was one of the things he took from me. On the boards of Informed Consent (now, sadly, no more), I was vocal in my opposition to ‘rape play’, a term used to describe a scene in which one participant consensually cedes the right to consent to what happens, otherwise known as ‘consensual non-consent.’ I objected in most part to the term ‘play’ juxtaposed with the act of rape. To me, rape was horrific, it had lost me my job, many friends, my family relationships (now mending), and most of all, my sanity. How could people be seeming to enjoy this, how could they call it play?

I now practice consensual non-consent (CNC). The very special friend who I have enjoyed (yes, enjoyed) that with has given me back my fantasies; it’s probably the biggest, most significant gift anyone has ever given me. In some ways, it’s been therapeutic (but I’m not saying I recommend it for rape survivors, that’s just a very personal observation). The difference between CNC and actual rape, to me, is the mutual respect. The hugs afterwards. The knowing that what we’re doing (what he’s doing) is for our mutual pleasure. But, during, it is not something I want. It is non-consent, but it isn’t rape, because it is consensual. (I expect many of you will be thinking, oh, that makes him a rapist. I know he is not. When we talk (and we do talk about this), he is mortified by the idea that he could be. He never could be, he never would, unless he was absolutely sure, beyond all doubt, that it was something I wanted, craved, needed, desired). Now, I understand why it is often termed ‘rape play.’ It is as akin to actual rape as children playing doctors & nurses is as akin to being an actual surgeon…”

Read the whole post here.