{"id":5747,"date":"2014-03-13T15:20:24","date_gmt":"2014-03-13T15:20:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sliderulesyou.com\/wp\/?p=5747"},"modified":"2014-03-13T15:20:24","modified_gmt":"2014-03-13T15:20:24","slug":"hurts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/sliderulesyou.com\/wp\/2014\/03\/13\/hurts\/","title":{"rendered":"Hurts"},"content":{"rendered":"

Kink and disability as a combination are often difficult to confront. After the injuries I sustained in an accident three years ago, I found myself having to reassess my own physical capabilities and acknowledge the subtle changes, beyond my control, that seemed to be happening within the relationships and power dynamics around me, both socially and in a BDSM context. It was, and is, frustrating beyond measure. Yet I still flinch at the idea of hurting<\/em> a sub with medical issues in a way neither of us intend me to. By trying hard not to be a dick, I fear I’m being even more of a dick as a result and denying that person their own agency.<\/p>\n

Here’s a brilliant, mind-opening article from Autostraddle<\/a> from the point of view of a sub with cerebral palsy which addresses exactly that:<\/p>\n

“…First time stories are always fun\/mortifying, but that\u2019s not the one I want to tell you, because that\u2019s not the one that woke me up to the fact that my disability and sexuality have to breathe the same air. That happened about a month later, when Alex rolled over in bed and asked:<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cSo\u2026 how do you feel about bondage-y things?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Remember for a moment that I had just gotten used to having sex at all. So my initial reaction was along the lines of UM WHAT I HAVE NO IDEA CAN I PHONE A FRIEND. But beneath that, I asked myself something else: how often are people this open about what they want? I wanted to please her, but was also interested to see what this would mean for me and for my body. It\u2019s not often people invite me to take physical risks. So I agreed to try it.<\/em><\/p>\n

And then\u2026 nothing.<\/em><\/p>\n

I braced myself for the start of our little experiment, but things unfolded pretty much the same way as before. The delight of never knowing quickly gave way to frustration. I suspected why, but didn\u2019t want to believe it. Sure enough, when I finally asked, I got the answer I had feared: \u201cI\u2019m afraid I\u2019m going to hurt you.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

What that said to me was, \u201cthis woman still thinks I\u2019m a little girl.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Up to that point, I thought I\u2019d done everything \u201cright\u201d: cultivated a functional relationship, finally let someone see me with my clothes off, said yes to sex, talked about my body, listened about hers, been willing to try new things, behaved like an adult. But it turns out it hadn\u2019t worked. All of a sudden, the \u201cnice girl\u201d formula that had made my disability palatable \u2014 acknowledge, but don\u2019t dissect; laugh it off when things get tough \u2014 failed. I had literally done the most grown-up thing I could think of with this person, and she still saw me as vulnerable. Not in the way that brings people closer, mind you, but in the way that makes them afraid to touch you. Makes them think you\u2019re breakable.<\/em><\/p>\n

Instead of screaming in her face, which is what I really wanted, I turned her question back on her and asked: \u201cWho\u2019s better at pain than I am?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

As a way to get a grasp on the whole CP situation, people like to ask me, \u201cdoes it hurt?\u201d In pain\/not in pain is a good\/bad binary that they can digest. It allows them to categorize my body in a way that makes sense, and tells them whether they should feel bad for me or not. I always say no because I don\u2019t want to give anyone (more) reason to look down on my body. But let\u2019s be real \u2014 there are screws in my spine. Of course it hurts…”<\/em><\/p>\n

I’d recommend reading the full article here<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Kink and disability as a combination are often difficult to confront. After the injuries I sustained in an accident three years ago, I found myself having to reassess my own physical capabilities and acknowledge the subtle changes, beyond my control, that seemed to be happening within the relationships and power dynamics around me, both socially […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[5847,2934],"tags":[6158,5970,6159],"class_list":["post-5747","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-bloggery-2","category-bloggery-articles-of-interest-from-elsewhere","tag-disability-bdsm","tag-kink","tag-sex"],"yoast_head":"\nHurts - SlideRulesYou<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"http:\/\/sliderulesyou.com\/wp\/2014\/03\/13\/hurts\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Hurts - SlideRulesYou\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Kink and disability as a combination are often difficult to confront. 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